The Inner Ramblings Of A Single Mom.

Sometimes I have days where I am completely disconnected with my meat suite. (My body) It’s hard to describe but this is the best way, I feel like I am beside myself and doing my best to direct myself into my normal routine. It’s hard to stay focused and I can lose myself in my thoughts. My brain is on auto pilot and my heart is open. I feel things greater which can be a good or bad thing, depending on the current situation. Not quite sure if others feel this way, or if it is something that is really weird. Either way, this is my current state today.
Life can be a struggle and we all feel the friction from time to time and have our hurdles to over come. Today, mine is the hardships of being a single mom. I love being a mommy and I wouldn't change anything, I am glad to have Damien by my side but it’s no easy task at times. Between scheduling, activities, school, work, bedtime, bath time and trying to keep my son on the straight and narrow I really lose myself at points. I am here, and doing this on my own, all alone. My son's dad is a great help, along with his step mom but things still get rocky from time to time. I fantasize about things being smoother and easier but quickly remind myself that this is just not my situation. To stay in that fantasy is a lie that I can't treat myself to too much; if I did it would probably kill me. Anyways, this is just today, and tomorrow will be different, but right now, can I get a hug? Fuck.

The Space That Makes Me Whole.

There is a hole in my heart where he used to be,
That was filled with lots of love and un-made memories.
I've danced in this space, this space that makes me whole,
I’ve wallowed in its entirety and it used to make me glow.
It was my garden, my one safe place that should be
Guarded and never disgraced.
This space was the light behind my piercing eyes,
It was my motivation that made everything worth a try.
Now this space is my everyday stomach ache,
It’s the cancer that is slowly eating me away.
I try to look past this and grow,
But something’s were never meant to completely let go.
This hole in my heart is what makes me whole,
Even if it has given me scars and bruises on my soul.
If I could, I wouldn't change a thing,
Because I am what I am and this is who he has made me.
Neko James, you are my pride,
and I am the solider by your side.
We share the same moon and the same sky,
You are always with me,
You will always be mine.

The Creation Of A Creator.

It doesn't take much effort for me to see things in obscure ways, to stare at a crack on the floor and imagine all the different things it resembles are an everyday event. I see life as a moving picture, a ball of clay and a master piece in constant motion. I am a balloon waiting to be filled with air so I can finally fly and be what I am. I feel stuck, motionless with a string attached to me and I wonder what the point is? Will I always be this double shift, over time, clock in and clock out machine? I need more, because I am more, than, this. Dreaming of a grass greener and bound by the fact that this fence is too tall to peek over frustrates my every day’s existence. I will twirl my hair, bat my eyes, giggle a little softer, and if you believe in this, than I have you fooled. I am not what you think because I am not who I say I am. I am a liar, spilling my guts on your front door; will you answer your door then? If I was exposed completely would you still love me, would you still want me? For now, this is as honest as this meat suite of a human could be, I am swollen with regrets, and dizzy with the thought of what if. My heart is the Bermuda triangle of loves that I have lost and my body is a mass of flesh lost in this deserted desert thirsting for the difference between truth and a lie and knowledge to know the difference.