Replacing Hearts

The phone call came and a rush to my head took over my thoughts, the words became more clear as I melted back into my seat. Unable to hold my head, the words were to heavy, I put my head to my knees and sobbed. "He has passed, he is gone." is all I could gather from this moment and it was enough. Its all I could take, it was all I could process. Only 10 days ago we were rejoicing and praising the lord for bringing a gift into our presence and new member into our family, a breath of gods fresh air. Now that moment seemed like ages ago and the dark shadow of his untimely death was rotting the core of our hearts. "How, why could something so bad happen to someone so good?" Is all I could ask my god and his response is was like every other response in situations such as this, "I am in control and I have a plan, trust in me." I wanted to reach through the phone and hug her and kiss her and give her my heart and say take this, I will take yours and take this pain away. I will cast it to the sea and we can go back in time and fix it all. The inability to do such a thing leaves me feeling helpless and back to square one. So what now? What could come next? Seeing the good from such a tragedy unfortunately takes a lot of time it takes a lot of healing and it takes a lot of changing, its not something that happens over night. Which sometimes feels unfair. How can tragedy happen so quickly and the healing take so long? Our children are our jewels, they are the highlights in our eyes and the reason we are born. Hug your child extra tight tonight, kiss them and let them hear you say "I love you" for in a moment, in a flash they could be gone.

Bloody Hearts In The Hollywood Hills.

My heart is bleeding on the white starched sheets as I think to myself how ironic, "my heart is so broken, it is bleeding out for him to see."
It wouldn't make a difference here, not at this time, not in this moment, things never work out that way.
The sinking weight of the room reminds me of how it feels right before you sneeze. Hopeless, and trapped, until you can break yourself free.
He was supposed to be the ending to my story, the complete version of myself, but now I realize, in this disgusting rage that he is just a chapter, a piece, a part, a moment that came and went like a crashing wave.
I stand firm on who I am, I believe in myself everyday, even if it is forced, I will never allow anyone to trample my heart and then take the pieces for themselves.
My children liberate me and remind me of what I am here to do everyday.
My inspiration, my light, my fight are for them.
I say to you, whoever may read this and understand my soulful words,
never settle, never sell yourself short, don't listen to the broken words that fall from cowards lips,
you are amazing, and perfect with all your scars,
be proud, be loved, because you and I are love,
in the form of a human being.

Thowing Sand In An Ocean.

Do you have a thought that inspires you to do things that ordinarily you wouldn't do? Or a dream that takes your imagination to another place? What drives the human mind to wonder into the deepest parts of our creation? We are dreamers and self seekers. Always searching to find the missing pieces that can finally complete us. Ironically we usually are seeking for answers that are right in front of us. I am learning something new everyday and today my lesson is the power of letting go. I want to be more like the ocean, large and capable of anything, but quiet and confident in its abilities. To be like the water with both arms open and able to accept whatever rock is in front of me is my goal. This land, the sand, the ocean and trees all speak to me in very romantic ways. I am not sure why I look at life this way but it keeps my daily life interesting. It’s the small things that make life so worth it all. Take a walk today and love what is around you, feel grateful and exercise your love for in these moments there is nothing you can not achieve and no problem that is too big.We are the designers of our future and YOU ARE AS POWERFUL AS YOU FEEL.

The Diary Of A Fixed Heart

I pressed my face against his warm face and I was re-assured once more that I am a fighter. I closed my eyes and thought to myself, "I can do anything and I am as strong as I feel." His brave little body and story of survival is a breath of fresh air every time my thoughts colide into him. His warmth and tender sounds make me melt every time I see him. He is my hero, my everything, he is the one that has taught me so much and has made my heart grow ten times as big than I ever thought possible. I have been to the darkest corners of my mind in hopes of relief to all my un-answered questions of "why" and "what if's." There are no answers there, only more, just to tangle my thoughts and confuse me deeper. Instead, I am okay with un-answered questions, there is no more need for questions because there is no more need for answers. I am content, and I am freed by this. I am on the road to repair my heart and I am okay with the scars. Life is funny, and I am okay without knowing why, as long as I can keep smiling and growing into the woman that I am destined to be.

Thank You Neko James, you are my muse.

I am a martian.

Bleak, untitled, empty, thoughtless, trapped into a formless formation and unable to recognize the flashing signs that sound out "STOP HERE, FOR THIS IS WHERE THE EDGE LIES". I am a habitual line stepper and I am addicted to the after math.
Bombs and explosions ignite my mind and this is what keeps me alive and able to see the light at the end of this massive tunnel. You don't know me, you never will, so stop trying to fix me because I am happy broken and riddled with diseases. Leave me here, on the floor bleeding out weightless words that will never sink into your thick and careless skin. I am a shape shifter of positive light and in control of all the switches. I need this dark place and I crave it for with out it I am robot. I am not normal nor do I claim to be. I am not from this planet, and I will never act like it. I am from another place, another time, another space in history far from the suffocating gravity that is considered earth.

The Inner Ramblings Of A Single Mom.

Sometimes I have days where I am completely disconnected with my meat suite. (My body) It’s hard to describe but this is the best way, I feel like I am beside myself and doing my best to direct myself into my normal routine. It’s hard to stay focused and I can lose myself in my thoughts. My brain is on auto pilot and my heart is open. I feel things greater which can be a good or bad thing, depending on the current situation. Not quite sure if others feel this way, or if it is something that is really weird. Either way, this is my current state today.
Life can be a struggle and we all feel the friction from time to time and have our hurdles to over come. Today, mine is the hardships of being a single mom. I love being a mommy and I wouldn't change anything, I am glad to have Damien by my side but it’s no easy task at times. Between scheduling, activities, school, work, bedtime, bath time and trying to keep my son on the straight and narrow I really lose myself at points. I am here, and doing this on my own, all alone. My son's dad is a great help, along with his step mom but things still get rocky from time to time. I fantasize about things being smoother and easier but quickly remind myself that this is just not my situation. To stay in that fantasy is a lie that I can't treat myself to too much; if I did it would probably kill me. Anyways, this is just today, and tomorrow will be different, but right now, can I get a hug? Fuck.

The Space That Makes Me Whole.

There is a hole in my heart where he used to be,
That was filled with lots of love and un-made memories.
I've danced in this space, this space that makes me whole,
I’ve wallowed in its entirety and it used to make me glow.
It was my garden, my one safe place that should be
Guarded and never disgraced.
This space was the light behind my piercing eyes,
It was my motivation that made everything worth a try.
Now this space is my everyday stomach ache,
It’s the cancer that is slowly eating me away.
I try to look past this and grow,
But something’s were never meant to completely let go.
This hole in my heart is what makes me whole,
Even if it has given me scars and bruises on my soul.
If I could, I wouldn't change a thing,
Because I am what I am and this is who he has made me.
Neko James, you are my pride,
and I am the solider by your side.
We share the same moon and the same sky,
You are always with me,
You will always be mine.