Thowing Sand In An Ocean.

Do you have a thought that inspires you to do things that ordinarily you wouldn't do? Or a dream that takes your imagination to another place? What drives the human mind to wonder into the deepest parts of our creation? We are dreamers and self seekers. Always searching to find the missing pieces that can finally complete us. Ironically we usually are seeking for answers that are right in front of us. I am learning something new everyday and today my lesson is the power of letting go. I want to be more like the ocean, large and capable of anything, but quiet and confident in its abilities. To be like the water with both arms open and able to accept whatever rock is in front of me is my goal. This land, the sand, the ocean and trees all speak to me in very romantic ways. I am not sure why I look at life this way but it keeps my daily life interesting. It’s the small things that make life so worth it all. Take a walk today and love what is around you, feel grateful and exercise your love for in these moments there is nothing you can not achieve and no problem that is too big.We are the designers of our future and YOU ARE AS POWERFUL AS YOU FEEL.

The Diary Of A Fixed Heart

I pressed my face against his warm face and I was re-assured once more that I am a fighter. I closed my eyes and thought to myself, "I can do anything and I am as strong as I feel." His brave little body and story of survival is a breath of fresh air every time my thoughts colide into him. His warmth and tender sounds make me melt every time I see him. He is my hero, my everything, he is the one that has taught me so much and has made my heart grow ten times as big than I ever thought possible. I have been to the darkest corners of my mind in hopes of relief to all my un-answered questions of "why" and "what if's." There are no answers there, only more, just to tangle my thoughts and confuse me deeper. Instead, I am okay with un-answered questions, there is no more need for questions because there is no more need for answers. I am content, and I am freed by this. I am on the road to repair my heart and I am okay with the scars. Life is funny, and I am okay without knowing why, as long as I can keep smiling and growing into the woman that I am destined to be.

Thank You Neko James, you are my muse.

I am a martian.

Bleak, untitled, empty, thoughtless, trapped into a formless formation and unable to recognize the flashing signs that sound out "STOP HERE, FOR THIS IS WHERE THE EDGE LIES". I am a habitual line stepper and I am addicted to the after math.
Bombs and explosions ignite my mind and this is what keeps me alive and able to see the light at the end of this massive tunnel. You don't know me, you never will, so stop trying to fix me because I am happy broken and riddled with diseases. Leave me here, on the floor bleeding out weightless words that will never sink into your thick and careless skin. I am a shape shifter of positive light and in control of all the switches. I need this dark place and I crave it for with out it I am robot. I am not normal nor do I claim to be. I am not from this planet, and I will never act like it. I am from another place, another time, another space in history far from the suffocating gravity that is considered earth.

The Inner Ramblings Of A Single Mom.

Sometimes I have days where I am completely disconnected with my meat suite. (My body) It’s hard to describe but this is the best way, I feel like I am beside myself and doing my best to direct myself into my normal routine. It’s hard to stay focused and I can lose myself in my thoughts. My brain is on auto pilot and my heart is open. I feel things greater which can be a good or bad thing, depending on the current situation. Not quite sure if others feel this way, or if it is something that is really weird. Either way, this is my current state today.
Life can be a struggle and we all feel the friction from time to time and have our hurdles to over come. Today, mine is the hardships of being a single mom. I love being a mommy and I wouldn't change anything, I am glad to have Damien by my side but it’s no easy task at times. Between scheduling, activities, school, work, bedtime, bath time and trying to keep my son on the straight and narrow I really lose myself at points. I am here, and doing this on my own, all alone. My son's dad is a great help, along with his step mom but things still get rocky from time to time. I fantasize about things being smoother and easier but quickly remind myself that this is just not my situation. To stay in that fantasy is a lie that I can't treat myself to too much; if I did it would probably kill me. Anyways, this is just today, and tomorrow will be different, but right now, can I get a hug? Fuck.

The Space That Makes Me Whole.

There is a hole in my heart where he used to be,
That was filled with lots of love and un-made memories.
I've danced in this space, this space that makes me whole,
I’ve wallowed in its entirety and it used to make me glow.
It was my garden, my one safe place that should be
Guarded and never disgraced.
This space was the light behind my piercing eyes,
It was my motivation that made everything worth a try.
Now this space is my everyday stomach ache,
It’s the cancer that is slowly eating me away.
I try to look past this and grow,
But something’s were never meant to completely let go.
This hole in my heart is what makes me whole,
Even if it has given me scars and bruises on my soul.
If I could, I wouldn't change a thing,
Because I am what I am and this is who he has made me.
Neko James, you are my pride,
and I am the solider by your side.
We share the same moon and the same sky,
You are always with me,
You will always be mine.

The Creation Of A Creator.

It doesn't take much effort for me to see things in obscure ways, to stare at a crack on the floor and imagine all the different things it resembles are an everyday event. I see life as a moving picture, a ball of clay and a master piece in constant motion. I am a balloon waiting to be filled with air so I can finally fly and be what I am. I feel stuck, motionless with a string attached to me and I wonder what the point is? Will I always be this double shift, over time, clock in and clock out machine? I need more, because I am more, than, this. Dreaming of a grass greener and bound by the fact that this fence is too tall to peek over frustrates my every day’s existence. I will twirl my hair, bat my eyes, giggle a little softer, and if you believe in this, than I have you fooled. I am not what you think because I am not who I say I am. I am a liar, spilling my guts on your front door; will you answer your door then? If I was exposed completely would you still love me, would you still want me? For now, this is as honest as this meat suite of a human could be, I am swollen with regrets, and dizzy with the thought of what if. My heart is the Bermuda triangle of loves that I have lost and my body is a mass of flesh lost in this deserted desert thirsting for the difference between truth and a lie and knowledge to know the difference.

Skrillex is in my brain.

Broken Knees. (Poem By: Mary Mary: Photo: Mary Mary)

If time were an ocean,

you would be my rock,

and I would hold on to everything we've got.

You take the wheel and I'll take your hand,

I will trust in you to find us dry land.

I've seen all the corners of our earth,

I know now what makes things better,

and what makes things worse.

Time stands still on the top of our hills

and the sun always sets where our hearts met.

You are my inspiration and the gravity that pulls me back around.